Nuklhd's The Goddamn F.A.Q.**Vancouver Canucks Newsgroup Charter and Goddamned F.A.Q.** v.1.2Last updated: July 23, 2003 by Nuklhd and rorytaitPrevious versions:
Table of contents
1.2 Other Rules of posting in alt.sports.hockey.nhl.vanc-canucks 1.3 Other Miscellaneous Guidelines and Issues (Still not rules though, dammit!) 3.0 Adopted/Pet Canucks
3.2 Current list of adopted Canucks 3.3 Canucks in need of adoption 1.0 About alt.sports.hockey.nhl.vanc-canucks (aka "ASHNV-C" or "The Newsgroup")
1.1 Acceptable discussion topicsThe alt.sports.hockey.nhl.vanc-canucks newsgroup is dedicated to following the fortunes good, bad, well, mostly bad, of the Vancouver Canucks. We also encourage postings on the following topics:1.2 Other Rules of posting in alt.sports.hockey.nhl.vanc-canucksFirst off, these are not rules. We have no rules. Except for what's listed below. Which aren't rules. Even though I call them rules. And they should be followed as rules. But they are definitely not rules. Got that?1.3 Other Miscellaneous Guidelines and Issues (Still not rules though, dammit!)In my opinion, anyone has a right to post in this group. In fact I wish more people would, even if sporadically. A number of issues come to mind:2.0 Frequently (and Not-So-Frequently) Asked QuestionsQ. So, I'm new to this. Are you going to be mean to me?A. As far as newsgroups go, we're pretty tame. A general rule would be that if you post something inflammatory, you will get nasty responses from somewhere. That's why it's called inflammatory.Q. What is the room, and how do I get there?A. The room is the pure, distilled essence of evil. It's also where Canucks fans go to vent their spleens and talk about everything except the Canucks during Canuck games. How you get there is described at http://www.nhlcanucks.com/ - click on the link to "The Room" (duh).Q. I'm funny. People laugh at me all the time. How do I get into 'the Hall'?A. If you write something funny, and people actually like it, someone might nominate you. If it is seconded, Andy will probably put it into the hall. Unless he thinks it's lame. Because he wants it that way.Q. What is the "CNGHL"?A. CNGHL stands for the Canucks NewsGroup Hockey League, a 20-team fantasy GMing league using Shawn Bates' FHL software. Many newsgroup contributors are either current or former managers/owners. The league's web site is: http://www.canuckscentral.com/cnghl/Q. Is there a math prerequisite for posting in the newsgroup?A. Your general high school math should be sufficient for most problems encountered while posting. On occasion, some threads will require a minimum of Grade 12 algebra or first-year calculus, or at least a half-decent statistics course. Advanced topics require a Ph.D and a research grant at a particle and nuclear physics laboratory.Q. Can I sell penis enlargers in this newsgroup?A. Though I can think of several needy clients, most of them are tightwads. You probably wouldn't make a sale.Q. Why did Pavel Bure leave?A. Oh, sure, open up that can of worms. This requires a long, yet unsatisfying response. Officially, Pavel has said that he never had a problem with the fans, city or teammates, but that he had reached an untenable position dealing with Canucks management. Canucks management has responded that Pavel did not like the "fishbowl" atmosphere of the Vancouver sports scene, and also mentioned difficulties with previous incarnations of management (specifically the Pat Quinn/Arthur Griffiths era). In the end, only Pavel, and one suspects, Pat Quinn and Arthur Griffiths, know the real reasons why Pavel wanted out. Pavel tends to remain quiet on the subject.Q. Did Bure threaten to sit out the 7th game of the 1994 Stanley Cup Finals, in order to get his contract signed?A. No. No. NO! This was a rumour that was spread by Al Strachan and then copied by Tony Gallagher. This has been adamantly denied by both Bure and then-GM Quinn. Bure claims that Canucks management did not deny this strongly enough, however, though Quinn did go on Hockey Night in Canada, and publicly berate Don Cherry for speaking of those rumours on Coach's Corner. Bure's contract had been settled well before game 7. Rumours (and that's all they are) suggest that there was a source in Canucks management, who didn't like Pavel, who leaked these stories.Q. Who are "Chicken-Neck" and "Comb-over"?A. The former would be Vancouver Province columnist Tony Gallagher. The latter would be Toronto Star columnist Al Strachan. Both are considered shills for the NHLPA, and also have been proven wrong many, many times with their inane trade rumours. They also managed to get an exclusive interview with Pavel Bure after his trade, where they managed to extract no new information. Pavel must have forgotten that Al and Tony started the slanderous rumour mentioned above. In fact, Tony and Al were brazen enough to say that Canuck management did not do enough to stop the rumour, even though they were the ones to print the rumour in the first place.Q. So what was the Bure trade again?A. The sad legacy was Bure, Bret Hedican, Brad Ference and a 3rd rounder (Robert Fried) for Ed Jovanovski, Dave Gagner, Kevin Weekes, Mike Brown and a 1st round pick in 2000, Nathan Smith. Jovo has risen to be our (arguably -- and we argue about it a lot) best defenceman. Gagner was bought out after finishing the season, and retired; Weekes was shipped to the Islanders with Bill Muckalt and Dave Scatchard for Felix Potvin, a 2nd round pick, and a 3rd round pick. The 2nd round pick was traded for Vadim Sharifijanov (who returned to Russia), and the 3rd round pick was Thatcher Bell (who was never signed and left as a free agent). Mike Brown played a few games in Vancouver, looked like a bust, and was lost on waivers to Anaheim. Hedican was traded to Carolina (and is slowly starting to wind down), while Ference has evolved into a physical, stay-at-home dman and is now with Phoenix. So the trade was essentially:
Jovanovski, Gagner, Potvin, Brown, Smith, Sharifijanov and Bell Q. Who was the biggest loser in the Bure trade?A. Without a doubt, Sergei Fedorov.Q. I keep hearing about Jeff Brown and Kirk McLean having some sort of problem. What's the story behind that?A. Again, these are rumours. However, one of the reasons Jeff Brown played for so many teams in the NHL was that he didn't make himself popular in the dressing room. The story goes that Jeff Brown was banging Kirk's wife, which caused some locker room tension. It also coincided with Kirk going from a Vezina finalist type goalie to a 5-hole with legs. The situation got to the point where Pat Quinn traded Brown and a 3rd round pick away for the excess baggage of Frank Kucera and Jim Dowd plus a 2nd round pick (which turned into so-so prospect Ryan Bonni). More credence was lent to this rumour when Jeff Brown was shipped away by Carolina theday before they picked up Kirk McLean in a trade with the Canucks.(Alternate Answer, courtesy Lonnie): Seriously - let it go, it didn't happen. Never. The players of that time DID NOT repeat this rumour. If you mentioned it to them you got nothing but a blank stare. Kirk DID NOT think Brown did his wife. Further - she was one of the ugliest and crankiest bitches God ever punished a man with. I doubt Kirk was doing her - why the hell would Brown be interested? So, once and for all - the most famous and celebrated Canuck rumour is as true as Rod Stewart having his stomach pumped or Richard Gere felching a gerbil (that means it didn't happen). I don't know why you people won't let this one go - but I know it's not true. I asked Kirk about it myself. My best friend was one of their best friends - he was their accountant and handled her part of the split - if it happened, or if Kirk even suspected it might have happened, he would have known. BUT IT DID NOT HAPPEN - PERIOD. So please, give this tired old lie a proper burial. Brown DID NOT screw Leslie Maclean. It didn't happen. Not a chance. On a side note though - Kirk Maclean DID once make a pass at my wife. That's not why I was traded, though. Q. What's that music I hear in my head every time I read a Gary Mason column?A. That would be the background music for Subway commercials. Mason has a style. Of short sentences. To make a point. It's a shame. Really. A. Shame.Q. What is "the hat"?A. The "hat" belongs to Mark Messier, though some would say that Mark belongs to the "hat". Mark has always been, umm, eclectic with the coverings for his bald scalp. There are rumours that when Mark wears the hat, he becomes evil - which may explain some of his play while he was here.Q. By the way, about Messier, I keep hearing rumours, he's not... you know?A. Bald? I'm afraid so... that's why he has the silly hats...Q. No, not bald, you idiot! You know, does he play for the other team? Does he swing from the other side of the plate?A. This is a HOCKEY newsgroup, son... not baseball, I don't know what you're getting on about...Q. Arrggggh! Fine! GAY! Is he gay? Is he a homosexual?A. Hmm, are you interested? I'd suggest asking him yourself. Seriously, rumours have persisted that Mark leads that lifestyle - possibly because he looks like a bulked up Michael Stipe. However, there are also rumours that he squired Madonna and some female porn stars. (ed note: if you're the type who watches Will and Grace or reads Dan Savage, you'll know that dating Madonna does not qualify as evidence of one's heterosexuality).Q. So, why are all these Q&A's about Messier still here? He's a Ranger.A. Hey - they're STILL funny. They're staying... until he retires. Ha!Q. And what are all the comments about Donald Brashear and the hat?A. Well, not "the hat". Again, this is a "rumour". Apparently Mr. Brashear, as a prank used another players helmet (or hat, the story does lose some focus) as his own personal waste receptacle. And I do mean "personal waste" receptacle. I believe John McKeachie was going to tell this story on the radio, but was personally threatened by Donald not to do so. Which is a damn shame, because I would have loved to see that fight. (foamy clarifies: From what I understand, it was McEachie's hat and briefcase that Brashear deficated in. Went into his hotel room and expressed his displeasure over some things McEach said. :-))Q. Did Brashear take a dive? (answer courtesy Stash)A. More importantly, if the Brashear we were talking about was the one who was on the Canucks roster (please, he doesn't "play" hockey), it is untrue that he would take a dive. Donald may be an enforcer but he is not a thief. The truth is that someone planted a dive on the side of his head, using a hockey stick. Donald had earlier skated by the Bruins' bench and was clearly heard asking, "Anyone spare a dive, I have a coach's confidence to keep". The dive only came to light because his chin strap was undone and his helmet came off during his nap on the ice.Q. What did you think about the McSorely trial?A. I'm not answering that - because there's no way I want to be subpoenaed and have to go to court. Not a chance no way. Even if the courts have no place in the hockey rink (oops)...Q. Is Markus Naslund really leaving after the 2003-04 season?A. He has publicly stated that he would like to return to Sweden at some point, and speculated that it may be after his current contract expires. While many players talk about retiring, the potential NHL paycheque involved after he is eligible for unrestricted free agency may prove to be too tempting to ignore.Q. Who are "the foreheads"?A. That would be the Sedin brothers. If they were still playing hockey in their native Sweden, their foreheads would have been sold long ago for advertising space.Q. How do you tell the Sedins apart?A. Stamped on their ankles are their IKEA product code numbers. Oh, in case you didn't know, the Sedin's are cyborgs, built by IKEA. All you need is an Allen wrench to put them together. Daniel's code number is SVE-14234-22 and Henrik's is SVE-14234-33. db also says that Daniel has a tattoo of a butterfly on his ass, but you'll have to find out for yourself, like he did.Q. Who is Julie? Why all the snickering?A. Julie was an impressionable young woman who felt no need to hide her complete infatuation with the Sedin twins, especially Henrik. In no uncertain terms she let the world know of her desire to indulge in a Swedish sandwich... and we're not talking about the ones with lingonberry sauce you get at IKEA. Julie has not been heard from in many months, perhaps due to a restraining order.Q: Why do you guys hate Toronto? We're all Canadians here.A: Shut up, you pompous, centre-of-the-universe believing, western screwing, Energy policy stealing, snowfall-makes-the-national-news, navel-gazing, Domi-loving, arrogant bastard.Q. Is it ok to start a cross-posted thread on tax breaks for Canadian teams?A. Well, it's your funeral. Just remember, most hockey fans will support tax breaks. Except for Toronto fans. Because they want Toronto to be the only Canadian NHL team.Q. What's the deal with foamy and Pavel?A. Foamy likes Pavel. A lot. It's that shade of lipstick Pavel wears that turns him on. If you want to post something negative about Pavel, expect a response. Especially if the words "whiny little suck" are involved. You were warned.Q. How come foamy uses the word 'bum' so much?A. When you deal with assholes as much as Jim does, you develop a fascination.Q. Is foamy really missing his left nut?A. It would explain Jim's well-cultivated persona of being a cranky, shit-disturbing, right-wing old fart. However, since the majority of us are from BC, we still love and accept him despite all his faults and shortcomings: whether it's how many nuts he may have, or how nuts he may be.Q. What's the deal with Burke and Mather?A. Brian Burke and former-Global-TV-anchorperson-now-CKNW-fill-in-host Jennifer Mather were married in 2002. Now, what she sees in Brian, well, we're not sure... however it does give a lot of great fodder for jokes on the newsgroup, so it's all good.Q. Is Tom Larschied really drunk during broadcasts?A. Yep. Stinking.Q. What does STFUM stand for?A. SHUT THE FUCK UP, MILLEN.Q. Does Greg Millen know absolutely anything about hockey?A. No. Look at his NHL stats, if you don't believe me. And despite what he believes, none of what he says in "inneresting"Q. Why don't they show more Canucks games on HNIC?A. Because they're not Toronto. Toronto has to be on HNIC every week. That leaves 5 other teams to fight for that other game. Toronto has managed to kill off two Canadian teams this way.Q. Who is the "senile old bat"?A. Bob Cole, lead play-by-play announcer for HNIC. Every year, the number of seconds Cole is behind the play increases, and he frequently resorts to just calling "the [insert team name] player" instead of using a player's name.Q. Is this newsgroup rated for family viewing?A. Fuck no, motherfucker.Q. Is Rick James really black? He keeps saying "nigga" - it's offensive.A. THAT'S AFRICAN-CANADIAN TO YOU, MUTHAFUCKA.Q. What do I do if I get into a debate with Harry the Leaf-blower [or SledMonkey, or Greg Quadrozzi, or LavaPlays, or...]?A. Well, don't use logic or common sense, because they can't deal with real world things like this. Ignoring is usually the best strategy, and in extreme cases, killfiling is appropriate. If you must reply, you'll may end up having to remember all your schoolyard taunts from Grade 3.Q. Which gamepad should I use with NHL 200x?A (courtesy Bryce, who had a summer job with EA writing all those goofy comments that Don Taylor says during the game): Any gamepad with two analog controls along with the normal directional pad. The closer it is to mimicking a Playstation 2 gamepad the better. I've heard the Logitech Wingman Rumblepad is pretty good, or get an adapter and actually use a PS2 controller.Q. Faith or Science?A. Beer.Q. Is this the year the Canucks will go all the way?A. Yes. No. Of course not. For sure. Whatever. The Cup is *SO* ours. Not a chance. It's a conspiracy! Never gonna happen. Only if it's been twelve years since our last finals appearance.3.0 Adopted/Pet Canucks3.1 How to adopt and care for your pet CanuckMany newsgroupers have chosen to adopt a "pet" Canuck.Anyone can have a pet, yet it takes a responsible person to be a good pet owner. A responsible pet owner loves and cares for his or her pet: publicly supporting and encouraging their pet in the newsgroup, providing a happy home, health care and nutrition, appropriate training, regular playtime and grooming periods, and cleaning up after the pet if necessary. If you want to adopt a pet, you should be a recognized "regular" contributor to the group (don't ask for a specific definition ... if you post more than once every few weeks, you probably qualify). Post your adoption request on the NG, using the subject "PET ADOPTION REQUEST: Player's Name". Neglect and abuse of pets will not be tolerated. If you haven't posted in several months and someone else wants to adopt your pet, you may lose custody. You may choose to give up your adoption or trade with another newsgrouper, although this is discouraged. Remember: pets have feelings, just like everyone else. Recently Fedor Fedorov was abandoned by the side of the road, and was found in the shivering cold, with a litter of little baby Fedorovs. It was heartbreaking, but we're thankful Jim agreed to take him in and he looks like he could pull through and even make the big club - if Crawford wasn't such a putz. 3.2 Current list of adopted Canucks(last updated July 23, 2003)
Front Office / Coaching Pets:
Darren Barefoot: Brian "Fat Bastard" Burke (Pres. & GM) BQ: Marc "Crow" Crawford (Coach) John Brooke: Jack (the #%^&*#@) McIlhargey (Asst. Coach) Pro Roster Pets:
Anders E: Markus "Welby" Naslund Bryce Fountain: Sami "Davis" Salo Col. Saunders: Darren "Langoon" Langdon db: Dan "Peca hates me but db loves me" Cloutier feeniks: Brad "Mayday" May (has tabs on Murray "Bear" Baron if he should return) Hammer: Jarko "Don't call me Esa" Ruutu Hyack: Matt "The Cookie Monster" Cooke Josh Eades: Mattias Ohlund "y, well you came and you gave without taking" JT: Ed "Jovocop" Jovanovski Julie: Henrik: "The other" Sedin and Daniel "The other other" Sedin Lonnie: Artem "Chubby" Chubarov Magnet: Brendan "Lizard King" Morrison Mike McGillivray: Todd "Bert" Bertuzzi Mike Scheltgen: Brent "don't drop the" Sopel Neil Kelsey: Mats "Cheese" Lindgren Peca Fan: Bryan "Fragile" Allen Victor Alejandro Wainer: Marek Malik "my ass" Minor League Pets:
Andy Henderson: Bryan "If I had a" Helmer Angus Thermopyle: John "Rocks in my" Craighead Asweepay: Nolan "Who dropped the" Baumgartner Banana Jr.: Nathan "There is no more boring name than" Smith Bernd: Tyler Moss "Crotch" Chris Grimes: Jason "I just can't wait to be" King Dave Roy: Zenith "Colour TV" Komarniski Doogster: Pat "Copa" Kavanagh Euwyn Poon: Brandon "90210" Reid Fearsome Orange: Regan "At least I didn't have to work with a chimp" Darby Hans Petter Johnsen: Ryan "Playboy" Bonni Jeremy Vis: Kevin "Hungry Man" Swanson Kay: Dody "Knock on" Wood N-Star Tyler "Ba Ba Ba" Bouck Nuklhd: Alex Auld "Lang Syne" Poizen: Justin "The Colonel" Kurtz Ron Yamuchi: David "finger workout" Ytfeldt Prospects / Young 'uns (they're soooooo cute!):
David Savitt: Ryan "Kiss my" Kelser Foamy: Fedor "Fedori" Fedorov Manic: Kirill "Killer" Koltsov Patrick Johnson: Tomas "Say my name 10 times fast" Mojzis rorytait: RJ Umberger "meister" Steve Miller: Rene "don't call me Simard" Vydarney 3.3 Canucks in need of adoptionChris NielsonJustin Kurtz Jaroslav Obsut Herbert Vasilijevs Tim Smith Pavel Duma Kostantin Mikhailov Sregei Topol Justin Morrison Nicklas Danielsson Marc-Andre Bernier John Laliberte Brandon Nolan Thomas Nussli Ilia Krikunov Marc-Andre Roy Ty Morris Francois-Pierre Guenette Johan Davidsson Denis Grot Mikko Jokela Brett Skinner Matt Gens Keven Bieksa Chad Browniee Matthew Hansen Markus Kankaanpera Nathan McIver Josh Reed Rob McVicar Lukas Mensator Matt Violin 4.0 Some useful hockey sites
The official home page of the Vancouver Canucks: The official home page of the current Canucks' minor league affiliate, the Manitoba Moose: Stats on practically every year going back almost forever (please click on a banner if you use the site): Some profiles on Canucks' minor, junior, and foreign league prospects: Official player and team statistics from the NHL: Links to RealAudio broadcasts of NHL games (also try www.cknw.com for Canucks games): The official NHL rulebook for on-ice conduct that NHL referees (are supposed to) apply on ice: |